All this talk of redefining my idea of success and analysing the people who inspire me seems to have opened me up in ways I'm not sure I can fully explain yet. I've been doing a lot of work on myself just lately, and it feels like it's starting to click.
The last few weeks have been incredibly hard. I've struggled with just about everything and have found being around lots of people, putting up a front and being ok hasn't worked, eventually the cracks show and the tiniest thing feels like the end of the world. Queue massive over reaction!
In the last few days I learnt that one of my fears was actually true, so definitely not a small thing. I'd known that for a long time but been in denial about it so when it came to a head it felt brutal and filled with lots of shouting and tears. To me it felt like my whole world was crashing down, like everything I believed and valued wasn't real. It felt like I was somehow separate, like I was removed from everything, watching it unfold in front of me rather than actively participating, even though I was.
There was nothing I could do, I had absolutely no control whatsoever. It felt like there were no options available to me, but I still believe there's always a choice. I might not like the choice I'm faced with, but there are always alternative options. I knew I was too upset to make any decisions but the shouting in my head was telling me to run as far away as possible as quickly as possible. It does that when I'm upset or angry - it wants me to be on my own, away from everyone and everything.
A course in miracles teaches that the ego speaks first and loudest, squashing and silencing reason. The ego isn't who you really are, it's not your soul. It's the fear that wants to keep you separate from everyone and everything, and that needs approval from outside yourself. That's exactly what was happening and although I didn't realise it right away I knew it. I had to breathe, stop a moment and listen.
When I did that I heard my real voice, my soul speaking. I heard it say take a break and think about the lesson- what was I supposed to learn from this situation? So I did, and I pulled some tarot cards too. I was being asked to surrender, to let go and accept I can't control or change everything, no matter how much I want to. I was being told to look for the sparks of light, of love and the chance of a new beginning. I was warned it wouldn't be easy, that the next few days, weeks and months ahead were likely to be amongst the hardest, but that I'd come out the other side of it. That I could be happy, if that's what I was willing to decide. Gabby Bernstein's books "Spirit Junkie" and "The Universe has your back" give the same advice, telling us to choose to see situations differently, look for the lesson and trust that we can see things for what they really are.
My ego or fear voice keeps shouting, telling me I can't live with this change, that it's too painful and I'm only delaying the inevitable (exactly the same as I had been by denying what I already knew). And sometimes I listen to it and the fear rises up inside me making me feel like I could burst. But I know I don't have to listen, even though it feels almost impossible at times. That I could, or rather should, pay attention to the quiet guidance, the one that says try. That running for the hills will mean I've failed the test, not learnt what I needed to. The universe doesn't like that, I'll find myself back in the same situation at some point in the future and will do over and over again until I've got it. So I may as well face it now and hope I have the strength to see it through.
I'm not going to give in to the fear. I'm far too stubborn for that ;)